Military spouses understand “community” differently from most people. We build it, lose it and rebuild it faster than feels comfortable. When I think about how my military spouse community has changed over the past 20 years, I marvel at how much I have changed as well.
Frequent moves, deployments and career disruptions can make lasting relationships feel just out of reach. And just when you find that community you have been waiting for, one of you will get orders.
It’s important to remember that your friendships as a military spouse are often meant to be for a season. And it’s OK. We can’t ever go back to the years we spent together at a duty station, and we also know that every friendship isn’t going to last through moves and changes. So we dig in when we get somewhere, hold on when we can and appreciate the friendships we have in the moment.
1. Stay Connected, Consistently
Community doesn’t last on good intentions alone; it lasts through consistency. Regular check-ins through texts, Marco Polo or virtual coffee dates can help relationships survive moves and deployments. Even quick messages or shared updates remind spouses they still belong, regardless of distance or time zone.
I have two military spouse friends who live elsewhere, and I communicate with them almost daily. One is primarily through Facebook Messenger and mid-afternoon phone calls, the other through Marco Polo and early morning FaceTime. She loves me so much that she gets up at 5:30 to make it work. And I’ve managed to make the periodic trip to see each of them over the years.
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2. Engage. Don’t Wait to be Invited
A strong community grows when spouses move from scrolling through online groups to participating in them. We already know that commenting on posts, welcoming new members and sharing helpful resources build familiarity and trust over time. This can get exhausting by the third or fourth move; however, we know it works, so it’s worth the effort.
When I moved to Florida, where we were only going to be for about six months, I used the local spouses’ Facebook group to find a babysitter, a gym and a church. Then I sat back and watched the interactions in the group. I learned from others’ questions and posts, so I remained informed without being overly involved. It was perfect for that season.
3. Utilize the Spouses You Know
If the military spouse community has one thing going for it, it’s that we are a massive network of “get it done” people. Moving to a random National Guard base? We know someone who knows someone there. On recruiting duty, we’ve got you covered. Plus, you know we love a challenge.
Thanksgiving 2020 found a friend of mine changing plans at the last minute, with two sick kids and a sick husband, so she didn’t have any groceries in the house. So, what did I do? I reached out to my military spouse community and found someone who knew someone in her area willing to pick up groceries and deliver. The two women had never met, but the network prevailed and found some community for that young, exhausted military spouse.
Read More: How to Leave the Military Community Well
4. Prepare for Interruptions
The military spouse community requires flexibility and patience. Even when we’re all in the same place, we battle last-minute schedule changes, sick kids and work schedules when trying to make plans. And then, friends move, schedules change and availability shifts with seasons of life. Extending grace — to others and to yourself — creates space for relationships to grow over time. Strong communities are built through encouragement, understanding and shared support rather than constant presence.
Twenty years after I became a military spouse, and several years after my husband retired from the Army, I still rely on my military spouse community. They are the ones who “get me.” And when my life suddenly goes haywire, as it did four years ago, the people who gathered around me were the ones who have been a part of my life the whole time. Military spouses are some of the strongest people I’ve ever known, and if you call one of them, it’s like calling all of us: We’ve got you covered, minimal questions asked.
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