Dear Dr. Emma,
I hope it’s okay that I’m writing you about something I’ve never shared with anyone. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and we have three kids. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since our first was born, and we’ve moved six times because of his Army career. He’s getting ready to deploy again this fall.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like something is missing in our relationship. We love each other and we’re good partners in parenting and life, but I feel like there has to be more to life than this day-in/day-out routine. I’ve been reading a lot about polyamory and open marriages, and it resonates with me in ways I didn’t expect. I brought the idea up to my husband, and once I convinced him this wasn’t just me trying to leave him, he started to warm up to the idea. The idea of being able to explore connections with other people while still keeping our marriage and family intact feels both terrifying and exciting.
I know the military has a lot of rules about relationships. Part of me wonders if it’s even realistic with the way we move so often and the fact that most of the people we know are also in the Army.
I feel so torn between wanting something new and exciting and also not blowing up our life. How do I know if this is something worth pursuing or just a passing fantasy?
Any advice would mean a lot.
Sincerely,
Feeling Restless in Fort Bragg
Dear Restless,
I’m so grateful you trusted me with this question. It can feel daunting to share something so intimate with a stranger and longing for more, especially when your life is already full of obligations, children and the unique pressures of military marriage. That takes real courage. You’re not alone in wondering whether there might be other ways to feel more alive, seen and connected.
Let’s start by gently untangling some of what you shared.
It’s not uncommon for people in long-term partnerships, especially after a decade together and years of putting family first, to feel a sense of restlessness. The routines that once offered stability can start to feel stale. Polyamory (sometimes called consensual or ethical non-monogamy) often appeals to the parts of us that crave novelty, deeper connection or aspects of ourselves we’ve set aside.
Being curious about this doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed or that something is “wrong.” I’ve worked with many couples who have successfully moved from monogamy to polyamory. It is possible to reimagine a relationship together. But before you decide what comes next, it’s essential to consider the unique context you’re in as a military couple.
Because your husband is an active duty soldier, he’s subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). Under Article 134, extramarital sexual conduct (what used to be called adultery) remains a punishable offense, even with mutual consent. Polyamorous relationships aren’t distinguished under these regulations, so even transparent, consensual arrangements can lead to consequences. And military culture, even in the most supportive units, tends to be conservative about relationship norms. This can make nontraditional arrangements fodder for gossip or, in some cases, exploitation by those acting in bad faith.
If your husband holds a security clearance, it’s wise to be especially cautious. Unfortunately, there have been instances of sextortion (where someone threatens to expose sensitive material unless they’re paid or given something in return). This is not to frighten you, but to help you understand the landscape before you take any steps forward.
It is critical to be clear-eyed and deliberate about any decisions you make. For example, a client I saw years ago moved too quickly from talking about polyamory to acting on it, thinking mutual consent would protect them. When their social circle on base found out, it led to rumors that eventually reached command. What started as an experiment in openness became a stressful ordeal that strained their primary relationship and career.
Legal and professional considerations aside, military life creates practical challenges. Frequent relocations, deployments and limited local communities can make it harder to build and sustain multiple relationships. Depending on the structure you and your husband might explore, the time and emotional energy required to be an engaged partner to more than one person can be significant. Extended absences can complicate agreements and erode trust if not approached with care and clarity.
Your relationship exists inside a unique legal and cultural structure, so any decision needs to be made with eyes wide open. I think that is why you asked the most important question in your letter: how do you know whether polyamory is worth pursuing or just a passing fantasy?
Sometimes when we feel starved for novelty or intimacy, it’s a sign that we need to reimagine the relationship we have. Before making any decisions, ask yourself: is this longing about being with others, or is it about reclaiming a part of yourself that feels neglected?
Talk with your husband about ways to rekindle closeness and adventure. Yes, part of that conversation could include exploring new relationships, but I’ll gently challenge you to also consider what else might restore vitality. Could you share fantasies together? Would you be willing to set aside time just for the two of you? Can you support one another in reconnecting with passions outside your role as parents and spouses?
If you do explore ethical non-monogamy together, go slowly. You might start with a date night and ask each other:
- Who do you imagine being in a new relationship?
- What parts of yourself would emerge that don’t get seen now?
- How can I help you feel more connected to that version of yourself today?
These conversations can reveal a lot. Sometimes, polyamory is mischaracterized as a shortcut or “cheating with permission,” but in truth, it requires extraordinary communication, emotional resilience and trust.
I once worked with a military couple who were also curious about opening their marriage after years of long deployments and feeling more like co-parents than partners. At first, they thought new relationships would fix what felt stagnant between them. After months of conversations, they realized what they craved was a sense of adventure and being desired again. They discovered these were things they could rebuild together. It doesn’t mean that path is right for everyone, but it does show how slowing down to explore your motives can reveal what your heart most needs.
Reflect together on questions like:
- If you opened your marriage, what would you each hope to gain individually?
- What would you hope to gain as a couple?
- Do you have the self-awareness and communication skills to navigate transparency, jealousy and complexity?
- How do you manage strong emotions with each other now?
Don’t rush this process. The most common mistake couples make is moving too quickly from thought experiment to action. Read books by experts. Listen to podcasts. Have these conversations more than once. If you can, consider working with a therapist who understands both military life and nontraditional relationships. A neutral, sex-positive professional can help you sort fantasy from desire and desire from action.
No matter where your exploration leads, please know this: You are not selfish for wanting a richer, more vibrant life. You deserve that. And you also deserve the full picture of what polyamory could mean — not just for you, but for your marriage, your children and your husband’s career.
You’re standing at the edge of some big questions. Take your time. Be kind to yourself. And remember, your worth isn’t measured by how neatly you fit into any mold, military or otherwise.
Off the clock, but always in your corner,
Dr. Emma
Optional Resources
Books and Guides
- “Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement” by Tammy Nelson
A thoughtful look at ways to expand erotic and emotional connection while maintaining the foundation of a committed marriage. - “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino
A foundational, approachable guide to ethical non-monogamy with practical frameworks for agreements, communication and self-reflection. - “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy” by Jessica Fern
Explores how attachment theory intersects with polyamory and offers tools to build secure connections. - “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love” by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
A classic text that normalizes non-monogamy and emphasizes consent, honesty, and self-knowledge. - “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” by Esther Perel
A powerful exploration of how couples can sustain desire and eroticism within long-term commitments. - Polyamory 101 (More Than Two)
An accessible primer covering definitions, myths and first steps in exploring polyamory.
Podcasts
- Multiamory Podcast: Thoughtful, research-informed episodes about polyamory, communication skills and relationship health.
- Normalizing Non-Monogamy: Interviews with real people navigating ethical non-monogamy (ENM), offering diverse perspectives on what works (and what doesn’t).
- Sex with Dr. Jess: hosted by a certified sex therapist interviewing experts and prioritizing actionable strategies to improve relationships.
Support and community
The content shared in this column is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute clinical advice or create a therapist-client relationship. If you are in need of mental health support, please reach out to a licensed professional in your area.
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