It happens: Someone questions your thought process, your math or your assumptions during a meeting or a presentation. You’ve put so much work into your message and the delivery. You checked the facts, and the numbers add up. So, what’s behind them questioning you?
When someone challenges us — in private, in public or during high-stakes conversations — we can quickly tell ourselves a variety of “stories.” We may believe:
- They don’t trust that I know what I’m doing.
- They’re questioning whether I’m the right person for the job.
- They doubt I’m as good as others say.
- They hate me.
- I need to protect myself and my feelings (and ego).
That last one is particularly powerful. When we feel threatened or unsafe, and our sense of identity (tied to ego) is perceived to be attacked, it can be an all-bets-are-off situation. We come out swinging, and the other person is left confused at our reaction to their question.
Read More: Is That Job Posting Real? 10 Ways to Spot a Scam
The Story We Tell Ourselves
The idea that we have internal dialogues, or narratives, is as old as time. Writer Joan Didion is credited with highlighting the term, “the stories we tell ourselves,” as she explained our mind’s way to protect us and make sense out of chaos. When situations feel threatening, confusing or unstable, our minds explain them to us by weaving a story around the events, a story that makes sense to us. For most people, the story we tell ourselves is how we stay safe in an uncertain or turbulent environment.
The problem with these stories is that they often have no basis in real events or intentions. We tell ourselves someone means to harm or ridicule us, when in fact they simply didn’t understand and questioned what we were doing. We have no way to know someone’s true intentions unless they honestly disclose this, and the stories we tell ourselves about what we’re seeing and thus feeling can lead us astray, causing us to react defensively.
Read More: Email or DM? How to Communicate Clearly and Confidently in Online Job Networking
How to Respond That Isn’t Defensive
Since your reaction to a situation, comment or person is completely up to you, it’s important to get this right, especially when your first instinct is to fight back, lash out or run away. Instead, when you feel challenged and emotionally triggered:
1. Pause and Breathe
In the presence of a perceived threat, your heart rate will speed up, your breath will become shallower and your body will otherwise prepare to attack and defend. Stop this process by pausing. Take deep, slow breaths, and gain your composure.
2. Ground Yourself by Naming What You’re Experiencing
Tell yourself you’re safe. No one is coming at you to combat you. Tell yourself you can remain calm. You’re experiencing a response to a perceived threat, and it’s possible there’s no attack imminent.
3. Use ‘I’ Statements
Instead of lashing out with, “You never listen” or “You’re just undermining me,” explain your perspective in first person language. “I feel you may not understand my goal here” or “I’m feeling this conversation is going off track.” Without pointing fingers at the other person, explain what you’re interpreting.
4. Ask Open Questions
Resist the urge to defend yourself by putting the other person in the hot seat. Instead, ask them to explain. Simply asking, “Can you tell me more about that?” can reveal their intention in the conversation.
5. Listen Without Judging
This one is tricky. If you’ve calmed yourself down and can bring an open mindset, then as the other person explains their position, or what they meant to say, listen to understand, not to judge or pounce back with a retort.
Not all professionals are good communicators. Sometimes messages come out too quickly, too prematurely or too abruptly. Reacting emotionally to someone else’s lack of clear communication can damage your career and professional relationships.
Reframing what you’re hearing and telling yourself possible alternative possible stories to explain what they could intend is a valuable skill in effective communication and responding with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
Find the Right Veteran Job
Whether you want to polish your resume, find veteran job fairs in your area or connect with employers looking to hire veterans, Military.com can help. Subscribe to Military.com to have job postings, guides, advice and more delivered directly to your inbox.
Story Continues
Read the full article here